


according to plan

by aelisheva



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adult Number Five, Alternate Universe - Corpse Bride (2005) Fusion, Inspired by Corpse Bride (2005), Multi, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Pansexual Klaus Hargreeves, also vanya is gay and she and helen are in love, and/or spoopy, background diedora and fivelores, btw dolores is a human who's a wheelchair user, but like i said most characters here are in the bgd, cameos from various bgd characters, claire h also cameos, content warnings for violence in the last chapter, get ready to get spooky, nb male five but he's not as prominent, neither are the other siblings but still, the handler is the singing skelebones, there is no victoria bc i needed to streamline the plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-10-29 07:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20793077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aelisheva/pseuds/aelisheva
Summary: Victorian-Era England, October 1860. In a desperate search for more money, already-billionaire Reginald Hargreeves sets up an arranged marriage between his adopted child Klaus and the very suspicious Leonard Peabody. However, Klaus may not have to marry him after all -- because he accidentally just married a corpse.





	1. In Which Klaus Hargreeves Sees The Dead

**Author's Note:**

> shoutout to IPreferSpace for having the exact same idea as me but reversed, lol. and to Bendy_CA for the idea to make the handler the singing skelebones here. love ya both <33

[England, October 1860.]

Reginald Hargreeves was wealthy enough to have moved himself and his adopted children from America back to his native England and continue living there for decades, but he still wanted more money. None of his now-adult children could believe this, least of all Klaus, who was now being forced to marry into a family that was also already very wealthy on its own and did_ not _need their help at all.

Klaus told his father as much as they both stormed down the stairs one gray October evening. “What do you mean we’re ‘running out of money??’ Fievel’s been studying and now working abroad in Constantinople since he was _ thirteen _ \--”

“Where do you think he gets all of his spending money for books?”

“Not to mention Allison and her family are always throwing those giant balls and buying silk dresses and suits --”

“Where did that seed money come from?”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “They don’t need your ‘seed money’ anymore. Allison is a rich acclaimed performer.” 

“Yes, but what happens once her rising star falls out of fame?” Reginald asked. Klaus hated how he came up with these ridiculous responses so _ easily. _

Klaus suddenly stopped halfway down, forcing his father to halt behind him. “Diego _ just _ married into the _ Patch family. _ Isn’t that enough for you?”

His father’s face hardened. “Allowing her to put all of those ridiculous ideas about money in his head was the _ worst _ decision I have ever made. And I am not about to repeat it with _ you.” _

“More like the best decision,” Klaus muttered. More than a year ago, his brother Diego had married heiress Eudora Patch, who he’d been courting for a while and in love with for much longer. A few days after they came back from their honeymoon, they immediately started to invest their joint fortune into the town. They helped to finance new theaters and food pantries, and even bailed out some falsely-convicted criminals. Diego’s father had a fit whenever he read about the couple’s charity in the papers, but then again Reginald believed that money should only be used for cheap necessities and renovating one’s estate. If it was used at _ all. _

Klaus’s brother Benjamin always used to rant about how much of a hypocrite their father was. “Dear Father is always telling us how _ crucial _ it is to save _ all _ of our money,” he’d start, “even though he happily throws it around to finance Luther’s astronomy lessons _ and _ Diego’s fencing _ and _ Allison’s auditions _ and _ your bustled dresses _ and _ Fievel’s books _ and _ my riding lessons _ and _ Vanya’s new violin.” He’d always end this rant with a breathless bow, and Klaus would clap. Thank God someone else noticed that Father only spent money when it bolstered him and his family’s cultured reputation.

_ Noticed. _Past tense. Ben died much younger than he should have.

Reginald strode past his child, down to the foot of the grand staircase. “Mumbling is unbecoming of the heir to a large family fortune.”

Klaus ran down after him. “Hold on, I’m the primary heir? I thought that Luther was going to receive most of your assets in the will.”

Reginald made a face. “Yes, well, let’s see if he can keep a steady income as an _ astronomer.” _He looked on a wall mirror and polished his monocle. “Staring at the moon and stars all day like a wide-eyed little boy. Ridiculous!”

===

Leonard Peabody, Klaus’s groom-to-be, was not a very nice young man.

As Klaus and his father stepped into the church for the wedding rehearsal where Peabody was waiting, Reginald pulled on his child’s ear. “Don’t you dare scare this nice boy away,” he growled, “and be kind to him, if you’re even able. For God’s sake, the boy has no parents.”

“Well, neither do I,” Klaus said before striding forward as fast as he possibly could. “Peabody. I mean Leonard. It’s really nice to finally meet you in person.” He tentatively held out a hand.

Leonard grabbed it with a little too much enthusiasm -- and_ far _ too much sweat on his palms. Did this man even _ bathe? _ “Likewise.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of folded paper. “I hope you don’t mind that I was planning to practice my vows for the occasion.”

“Not at all.” Now Klaus could practice sleeping with his eyes open.

He _ did _ have good cause to. Leonard’s one sheet of paper was crammed with tiny script detailing a very long and very boring speech. Back in the pews, Reginald was hanging onto every word -- after all, Leonard had most likely written his vows on a silver-encrusted fountain pen. Klaus didn’t catch every word of it (obviously), but not once in that ten minute speech did he mention true love or romance. Thank God.

“...which is why I’ll listen to your vows with open ears.”

Klaus blinked awake and shook his head around like a dog. “Hm? What?”

“Hargreeves, it’s your turn to say the vows now.”

“Ohh. Of course.” He looked at the small table at the pulpit that separated him and Leonard. On it were a cup, a bottle of wine, a candle, and some matches. They were part of the wedding vows that apparently were an old Hargreeves family tradition. At Diego’s wedding, he said them with a lot more emphasis than Klaus was probably going to.

If he could even remember the damn words.

“Uh…” He reached for the bottle and uncorked it. “With this cup, I --”

“Stop, stop, stop!” Reginald pushed up from his seat. “And of course you’d go for the wine first.”

He shoved the cork back onto the bottle. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he gritted out.

Leonard swept up his coat. “Um, I’m just gonna go,” he said as he dashed out of the church.

The door slammed behind him.

Reginald stomped up through the aisles and yanked up Klaus’s hand. “You messed with the natural order. You start with the hands --”

“Quit grabbing me! Let _ go!” _

_ “You start with the hands _ and say ‘with this hand, I will lift your sorrows.’” He dropped the hand like a hot potato. “Only then do you say ‘your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine.’ Which you said _ wrong _, by the way.”

“No _ shit.” _

He yanked up the box with the rings on it from the pulpit. “And finally -- if you can get this through your head -- you light the candle and say ‘with this candle, I will light your way in darkness.’ And then! ‘With this ring, I ask you to be mine.’ Diego learned this in less than a day, Klaus.”

“Maybe it’s because he actually_ wanted _to marry his spouse.”

“You have no idea what I --”

Klaus snatched the ring box. “And why do you even want me to marry this asshole anyway? Do we really need that much more money? Are we really that bankrupt? Ben’s _ funeral _ was a _ spread of finger food in our wine cellar.” _He tried his best to hold in his tears. The last thing he needed was getting yelled at for “showing unnecessary emotion,” too.

Reginald clenched his fists. “If you had any sense at all, child, you would realize that --”

“It should have been _ you _ that died.”

Klaus shoved past his father and slammed the church door shut on his way out.

====

The good thing about graveyards, Klaus realized that night, was that they were very very quiet. 

As soon as he was sure his father had cleared the area, he crashed his fist into a tree trunk and screamed. If his family was here in town to help him...if Fievel was back from Turkey, if Mother was back from visiting him, if Diego or Vanya or Allison weren’t busy with their careers...Hell, he’d even accept Luther’s help at this point. Anything to get away from this house and that demon.

A green glass bottle on the ground caught the moonlight and he kicked it. Surprisingly, it wasn’t cracked, and still had a little liquid in it. Not that he was desperate enough to drink that, of course. There was also a miniature matchbox on the ground a few feet away, and he picked that up.

He snorted. “‘I can’t remember these vows,’ my ass.” He sighed. “With this hand, I will lift your sorrows.” Gently, he picked up the bottle and spilled its contents in a puddle. “Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine.” He put the bottle inside the puddle, then lit a match. “With this candle, I will light your way in darkness.” The fire started inching closer to his fingers, so he blew it out. Finally, he snapped open the ring box, put one on his hand, and the other on a nearby thick branch. “And with this ring, I ask you to be mine.”

Other than his last word mysteriously echoing throughout the empty field, Klaus managed to complete his vows without the Apocalypse happening.

Thoroughly satisfied, Klaus put his hands on his hips and let out a sigh. “There. That wasn’t so --- ”

Suddenly he lurched down to his knees as the ground started rumbling and shaking underneath him. He shut his eyes as tight as he could. What was happening? The shaking got faster and faster andfasterandfasterandfasterandfasterand --

Finally, finally, the rumbling stopped. Klaus peeled his left hand away from his ear, then his right. He stood up on shaky legs and turned toward the source of the noise. Toward the earthquake or storm or ---- _ fuck. _

That branch wasn’t a branch. It was the ring finger of a reanimated dead person. The stinking, dirt-flecked corpse stepped into the moonlight and -- _ fuuuuuuck. _

This dead man would have been extremely handsome if he wasn’t a dead man. At least his skin wasn’t rotting off of his face. However, some of the skin on his right arm and left leg had chipped away to reveal bone. His skin was streaked with burial dirt and was pale from both a lack of sunlight and his natural complexion. He picked a wriggling earthworm out of his curling blond hair before going back to staring at the ring on his hand with wide, almost child-like blue eyes. He had a gaping bullet wound in his chest that reddened his otherwise pristine white coat and suit. If the pant leg on his bony leg wasn’t hiked up and covered in dirt, Klaus would say the man was dressed for his own wedding….

His head turned back to Klaus, and he somehow felt both pinned down and held up at the same time. The corpse’s eyes darted back to the ring.

“So...should I say _ my _vows now?”

Klaus would have given him the go-ahead if he didn’t faint right there on the spot.

========

The next thing Klaus remembered was the corpse leaning him against a tree trunk, and babbling out an extended apology for the whole fainting affair.

“The wound was probably what did it,” the man half-laughed off. “Surprisingly, I didn’t get that one when I was in the Crimean War.” He paused. “At least I don’t think. I don’t remember...”

“You…” Klaus slurred. “You don’t have an accent...you don’t talk like a Brit --”

The corpse sat down across from him so they were at eye level. “Well...you don’t either. Did your family also move you here from America when you were really young?”

“Yeah. Small world. Lives of the wealthy, I guess.” He blinked. _ “Lives. _ Oh my God, you’re _ dead, _ that’s so -- ”

“No, no, I’m not offended.” The corpse held up his hands. “Honestly, I’m flattered that you didn’t want to hurt my feelings. I mean, if I were you, I probably would have run away by now...I’m Dave, by the way.” Dave held out a hand. “David Joshua Katz.”

“Klaus My-Father-Couldn’t-Afford-To-Give-Me-A-Middle-Name Hargreeves.” They shook hands. Dave’s hand was cold, but not freezing to the touch, Klaus noted. 

Klaus managed a smile. “Honestly Dave, I would’ve run away a while ago but...you still have my ring.”

The smile slid off Dave’s face. “The ring. Right. _ Shit.” _ He started to twist it off. “I’m so so sorry about this. I don’t want to force you into marrying me. I mean we just met and I’m _ dead. _ But I was killed right before my wedding and the rules of the Land Of The Dead state that I have to come back if someone ‘summons me,’ even if they’re an _ unsuspecting stranger _ and --” The ring wasn’t budging. _ “Shit.” _

Klaus inched forward. “Do you need me to help?” He really didn’t mind. Also, it’d give them a good excuse to hold hands again.

Dave shook his head. “No, there’s nothing you can do to get it off. Rules of the Dead.”

“What rules?”

The dead man sighed. “If a human had ‘unfinished business’ before they died, their spirit goes to a special part of the Land of the Dead where they have to wait until someone summons them so they can finish it.”

“And me...accidentally giving you the ring was summoning you? _ That _makes me a seance?”

Dave shrugged. “I guess so. Like I said, I died right before I was supposed to get married…”

“What happened that night?”

Dave shook his head. “I...I really don’t want to talk about it. There’s not much to say anyway, I don’t remember _ any _ of it.”

Klaus decided right then to change the subject. “Are we in a binding marriage now?”

“Binding unless we can find a ghost down below with the power to make it un-binding.”

“Okay then. So how would I summon them? I don’t have another ring, but --”

Something started creaking. At first, Klaus thought it was a rusty screw, but it turned out to be Dave’s vocal cords uncracking from lack of use. He was laughing, pretty hard in fact. It would have been scary if the cracking hadn’t immediately given way to normal laughter and he hadn’t broken out into the widest smile Klaus had ever seen…

The newly-dubbed seance shook his head. Nope. No way. He was not going to fall in love with a dead guy. 

Especially when said dead guy did things like randomly grab his hand out of nowhere and spirit him underground through a sinkhole on the graveyard field that definitely wasn’t there three seconds ago.


	2. In Which Klaus Hargreeves Meets The Dead

Klaus had no idea that ghosts could eat and drink, let alone set up a bustling underworld tavern. But hey, you learn something new every day.

The two of them dropped down through the dirt and right onto the barstools. Without missing a beat, a little old lady zombie next to Klaus with a scarf around her hair started tugging on his shirt and firing off rambling questions in Russian.

Dave turned to her. “I’ll handle this. Madame Popova? He doesn’t speak Russian.”

The woman cocked her head. She scoffed and began asking them  _ both _ the same questions...in Russian. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle this.”

Behind the bar, the corpse of a pale blonde woman slinked up to the three of them. She was wearing a bustled black dress, black-tinted glasses, and a lacy black fascinator that barely covered the gunshot wound in her forehead. She craned her head over to Madame Popova and rested her hands in her chin. “Zoya, darling, how are you?”

Zoya blinked. “Good. How are you?” she asked in halting English.

“Fantastic, dear. However, you seem to be bothering Mister Katz and his... _ alive _ companion? Whatever, we’ll sort that out later. Right now, though, dear, I must warn you that if you don’t stop bothering my other customers, I’ll have to slaughter you a second time.” She grinned. Zoya balked and immediately sped away.

Klaus froze. “A second time? Were you the one who killed her?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” the woman winked.

“Well, can you confirm or deny who you are?”

“Both alive and dead, I am a woman who _handles_ things.” She adjusted the lace on her hat. “You may call me The Handler.” She turned over to Dave after hearing him cough for her attention. “Hello handsome.”

“Hello, Handler. You’re probably wondering why I have an alive person sitting next to me calling me his husband...”

The Handler gasped, and a fly zoomed out of her mouth. She cringed and clapped the fly between her hands to kill it. “Actually, I’m excited for you. You completed your unfinished business already? I know that after the war, you --”

Klaus held up a hand. “Wait. Excuse me for interrupting…”

“You’re not excused, but go on.”

“How do you know Dave’s whole story? I thought you said you didn’t remember any of it.”

The Handler laughed. “He doesn’t remember, but down here, we have eyes and ears trained on the living constantly. In fact…” She threw off her hat, and a skeleton sitting at the other end of the bar caught it in one hand. He flashed her a bony thumbs-up, then started playing out a beat on his ribs using some spare cups as extra percussion.

Dave blinked. “Wait, are you going to sing that whole thing about me  _ again?” _

“No, I’m just going to do it as a performance piece,” she sighed. “Can’t have the bar break under me _again.”_

All of the other ghosts, zombies, skeletons, and ghouls began to crowd around the bar to listen to The Handler’s performance. Dave immediately turned red. “Why do you all want to hear this  _ again, _ she’s already done this one!”

A ghoul in a bloody blue dress hissed at him. “Yesss, but never before as a performance piece.”

Dave rolled his eyes. “They’re all obsessed with that lady,” he whispered to Klaus.

The Handler held up both hands in front of her chest. “The year...is 1857. The Crimean War in the Land Of The Living has long ended, and with it the stream of new arrivals from all of the lost soldiers.” A handful of male corpses (likely from that war) in the crowd started muttering. “Ahem! Anyway. David Joshua Katz returned to his family estate as a decorated veteran and the heir to a quite successful family bank. And more importantly, as a tired man who now wanted nothing more but to find someone to settle down with for the rest of his life.” She swished her skirt. “And luckily for him, a month or so after coming back home, his parents set up a match between him and a charming young man, a family friend.” 

Dave’s hands started shaking. Klaus turned over to him and held his hand. It was the least he could do for him, while he had to listen to all of these people relive his death with him.

The Handler’s face fell. “The night before their wedding, they set a plan to meet in the woods to review their vows. He sat there leaning against the old oak tree for hours...and then….he heard a sound. He turned to meet it. Was it his betrothed?”

The percussion skeleton slammed on the wooden bar so loud it sounded like a gunshot. Everyone jumped.

“He never found out. At that second, everything went black.” As the last of the story echoed over the tavern, she split into a smile again. “And that’s all we know about his death!”

Dave shuddered. “Hey Klaus, I know we still need to figure out our marriage situation, can we do that...outside of the tavern?”

“Of course. This place was freaking me out too.”

The creepy crowd parted a little for them as they both walked toward the exit. Klaus slammed the doors behind them and sighed. “Christ on a cracker, that must have been awful for you to relive.”

Dave said nothing, just looked down at the dirt floor of the ghostly street, which was currently wriggling with happy earthworms. He shook his head. “People down here rag on me a lot for not getting over my death. I mean it’s been a few years now! Why  _ wouldn’t _ I still be traumatized?” He laughed stiffly.

Klaus took a step back. “Do you need me to leave you alone for a little bit?”

Dave nodded. “Yeah. Thanks. Thank you...should I even call you my spouse? I know this isn’t --”

“Honestly at this point, I don’t even care anymore,” Klaus laughed. They waved at each other before Klaus walked away, down the side of the underground street. He sighed. So this was the afterlife. It was a lot different than he’d expected it to be, but --

A dark blur raced up behind Klaus and nearly tackled him to the ground. He would have screamed right there if he didn’t get a good look at the person’s face... _ Ben’s face.  _ They  _ immediately _ collided in a hug.

Several minutes later, the zombified Ben looked up at his taller sibling. “You...you died too?”

“No,” he choked out, “I’m still alive?”

“What? What are you --”

“I accidentally got married to this dead soldier guy named David Katz. It’s --”

“But how did you…” Ben made a face. “You helped with  _ Dave’s  _ unfinished business? Why  _ him?” _

Klaus made a face right back. “What do you mean ‘why him?’ What’s so bad about him? He seems friendly, and --”

Ben waved it off. “Yeah, yeah, I know. We started hanging out with each other after I helped him adjust to down here. He’s nice and all, but honestly...kind of a square.”

Klaus raised an eyebrow. “And you’re not?”

Ben shoved him and hugged him tighter. “Shut up.”

===

Klaus had no idea that spirits could choose to sleep if they wanted to. Ben had a room set-up in a nearby inn, and luckily there was a spare bed for Klaus to sleep for the night. But before sleep came in, the two siblings spent hours talking to each other about everything that had happened in their lives (or after-lives) over the past few years.

When morning came in, there was a knock on the door. Ben answered it and found Dave standing on the threshold. “Oh, it’s you,” Ben stated.

Dave shook his head. “You wound me, Benjamin.”

“Just like that gunshot.” 

Both burst into laughter.  _ Must be dead-people humor, _ Klaus thought as he walked up to join them. “Dave, how are you feeling now?”

“A lot better, luckily. Oh!” His eyes darted around the room excitedly. “I found a way for you to get back upstairs.”

Klaus blinked. “Will that...will that break the marriage?”

Dave shrugged. “It’s the first step...and after that, you have to…” He looked over at Ben. “We’re probably boring you to death.”

Ben took a step forward. “Actually, can I come too? I want to see my old house and my family again.”

Klaus nodded. “Well, our siblings are all coming in for the wedding.” He looked over at Dave and then downward. “The wedding I was going to have before this whole thing happened. No one to be jealous over, really, he’s actually a real asshole.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy spoopy month (and rosh hashanah!)!! if you loved this chapter (or despised it, whatever), please leave a comment (or twelve!) and/or rb it on tumblr, where you can find me @ dumpsterbagel


	3. In Which Klaus Hargreeves Understands The Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: All of the siblings here are children of Sir Reginald, so naturally, they all also have honorary titles. Vanya and Allison are ladies and Luther, Diego, and the other guys are lords. However, since Klaus and Five are nonbinary here, they’ll be addressed as “Ser Klaus” and “Ser Fievel,” Ser being a nb-inclusive form of “sir” (that rhymes with “hair”). See this TV Tropes article for more info: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FantasticHonorifics
> 
> But please note that I am not nonbinary, I am cishet, so if I made any mistake in this linguistic choice please tell me.

Allison Hargreeves flicked open her fan. She looked over at her daughter and husband sitting next to her in the carriage, then stepped out into the cloudy afternoon outside her adopted father’s mansion. A dark-haired woman carrying a violin case was about to walk in front of the mansion, and Allison waved her down. “Excuse me…”

“Helen. Helen Cho,” the violinist answered. “And you’re Allison Hargreeves! It’s so lovely to meet you in person!”

Allison dipped her head so her fan covered her warming cheeks. “Oh, thank you. You must live around this area, yes?” Behind her, Claire and Patrick got out of the carriage, and grabbed all of their bags from the coachman.

“Yes. Almost all of my life.”

“Same here. But I haven’t been here in a while, is there anything new to do around here?”

Helen blinked. “Yes, but why do you ask?”

“Well, I’m here for a family wedding but...I don’t think we’ll all end up spending much time together.”

As they approached the front door of Reginald’s mansion, Claire tugged on her mother’s sleeve. “But Mother, I thought you loved coming to see Uncle Diego and Uncle Luther and --”

Allison laughed. “Of course I love seeing all of my siblings,” she reassured her daughter. “But you might have noticed that, for good reason, we only see each other at weddings and funerals.”

Pogo, Reginald’s old pale butler, opened the door for Allison and cleared his throat. “Announcing the arrival of Lady Allison Hargreeves, her daughter Claire, and her husband Patrick.”

“Thank you Pogo!” Claire waved. Patrick nodded at the short old man.

As usual, Allison was the first to arrive. It wasn’t because she loved her father -- hell, not even Luther really loved their father. It was mostly because she hoped that this time, things wouldn’t sour into a fight. Like at Ben’s funeral. Or at the wedding of --

“ -- Dame Eudora Patch and her husband Lord Diego!”

Everyone ran over to hug each other. At least five of them all got along. 

“Allison,” Patch started, “has our donation to your theatre troupe been working out so far?”

“Oh yes!” She closed her fan. “We just bought some new wigs and costumes for our next few original productions. We’re doing one new opera about an old green-skinned witch, and another one about the life of Alexander Hamilton…”

“Do you need swords or guns for the show about Hamilton?” Diego piped up. “I could loan you some.”

“Please take his swords away from him. They take up two walls now.”

“Says the woman who always wants to practice fencing with me.”

“Says the man who I always end up pinning against the wall and --”

Allison went over to cover Claire’s ears. “Ahem.”

Claire blinked. “What?”

Pogo cleared his throat. “Presenting Ser Fievel Hargreeves and Miss Dolores…”

“No need to say the last name,” Dolores said as she propelled her wheelchair through the doorway. She tightened the straw bonnet around her head that somehow contained all of her hair.

“Are you both moving back from Turkey now that you have your doctorates?” Patrick asked.

Dolores shrugged. “I’m moving somewhere. It just hasn’t been the same over there since the war ended...it’s been a few years but still looks like the apocalypse.”

“All the soldiers and gunfire really put a damper on our courtship.” Fievel crossed his arms. For a distinguished thirty-year-old scholar, sometimes he acted just like a thirteen-year-old kid.

“If it weren’t for the patrolling soldiers causing a curfew at school, we wouldn’t have met,” Dolores shrugged.

“Unlikely.”

“Very likely!”

Luckily, they didn’t have much time to bicker with each other once everyone else arrived. When Luther barged in, Claire gave him a stack of drawings of the moon she’d done for him, and he gifted his niece with a sprouting umbrella plant. When Vanya strode in, she didn’t have much to say as usual, she just grinned and tipped her sleek new bonnet at everyone.

Out of nowhere, Vanya suddenly clapped her hands in front of her. “So...where’s the lucky victim?”

“You mean Klaus?” Five asked. “I don’t know. And ‘victim?’ This Leonard person seems weird, sure, but he can’t be that bad.”

Vanya shot her sibling a glare. “Leonard Peabody was  _ that _ man I was courting for a while before I realized that 1) he only liked me for our fortune, and 2) I don’t even like men.”

Five blinked. “Ohhh.  _ That  _ Leonard.”

“So why does Klaus have to deal with him now?” Patrick asked.

“Dad’s decision, most likely,” Vanya continued.

“Well…” Dolores started. “I mean...it could be worse. At least Leonard isn’t an --  _ AHHH!”  _ She quickly wheeled herself away from the windows embedded in the threshold. Everyone else soon followed suit as they took in the thin, dirty, pale figure with his face pressed up against the glass...no wait, that was just Klaus. (Dave and Ben were going to come too, but they both got cold feet at the last second -- Dave out of confusion for the in-law situation, Ben out of pure fear.)

Klaus took out the skeleton house key and stepped inside. One explanation later, everyone had surprisingly accepted the fact that the walking dead were real and that Klaus had gotten engaged to one.

“So Leonard died?” Vanya asked quietly.

“No -- no, this isn’t Leonard. This is a completely new person, David Katz.”

Vanya blinked. “Is he nice?”

“He’s...he’s nicer than Peabody.”

“Everyone’s nicer than Peabody.”

“I know but…”

Soon enough, everyone started to ask  _ why don’t you just marry this guy instead? _ And...Klaus thought they had a point. He was smart. And considerate. And nice. And someone who he’d just met a day ago. Love doesn’t work that fast. No matter how much he wished it did…

Klaus stepped out of the mansion as confused about his next steps as he was when he walked in. When he met up with the undead in the graveyard, he just shook his head. “My siblings know about the whole situation, but...I still don’t know the next steps we should take.”

“What do you mean?” Dave asked.

“I mean...if I marry this guy I’m being forced to marry, I’ll be stuck with him and miserable for the rest of my life. If I marry you…” He swore he saw Dave’s eyes brighten, but he continued anyway. “...then that wouldn’t...wouldn’t be as bad, but I  _ just _ met you  _ and _ I won’t be able to see all of my siblings very often, just Ben. So I’ll also be miserable.”

Ben looked down. “I haven’t seen you all for a while and...and I’ve adjusted.”

Klaus stepped up to him. “Is there anything that I can do to help you see them all again?”

Ben sighed. “Make me a living human again, I guess...but that would only happen if I finish my unfinished business.”

“What is that?”

“I don’t even  _ know,” _ Ben said, tearing up. He muttered an incantation and began to sink back into the ground.

“Ben! Hey!” Klaus shouted as he sank. “Ben, Ben, please, come on…”

Now it was just Klaus and Dave standing in the graveyard. 

Klaus shook his head. “What was Ben saying about a corpse becoming alive again? Is that what’ll happen to you once we sort this whole thing out?”

“Only under certain circumstances. It’s very rare...”

The evening clouds above them sped across the sky. As they moved away, they uncovered the bright crescent moon. Dave squinted his eyes and used a bony hand as a visor. “I forgot how bright it was.”

Klaus stepped closer to him so that they were side by side. “Is this your first time back here since…”

“Yes. And it’s so so nice. The moon, the stars. Their light makes everything look so…” He turned over to Klaus. “So much better.” He blinked. “Wait. Scratch that. I didn’t mean to imply that you’re ugly or that you need to be improved or that you’re worthless or…”

Fortunately for Dave, Klaus didn’t care about any of that rambling, he was too busy leaning into kiss him. Dave froze for a second, then craned his head forward and….

Both of them pulled back at the last second. They apologized, shook their heads, and stated again over and over that it wasn’t wise to get attached to someone you might not even end up marrying.

But they still had a few more days to figure everything out before Klaus’s wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, i know, that was mean. but just remember: you never kiss on the first date. i think. i’m so lonely


	4. In Which Klaus Hargreeves Loves The Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what time is it? time for a shameless ripoff of the "soul kitchen" scene! and a chapter that was p much written in one sitting bc i'm busy with school! yaaaaaaaaay

The sinkhole ride back down was a very slow and awkward one. But finally, Dave found his way back to the door to Klaus and Ben’s shared hotel room, and the living person strode in. “But wait,” Klaus started, “where are _you_ going to sleep for the night?”

“Don’t worry about me. There’s always some rooms left over. Turns out there’s a lot of spirits who like to spend their nights haunting the new residents of their former houses.” He shrugged.

“Is that safe?” Klaus asked again, eyes flashing.

“Hargreeves,” he started again, putting a veiny hand on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about me. Please. I’ll be fine.”

“Dave, is this because of the almost-kissing thing?” Klaus asked. “Because even if I marry Leonard instead, that doesn’t mean I can’t be nice to --”

_ Sluuuuuuurp. _

Both their heads whipped around to see a red-eyed Ben sitting on the edge of his bed, drowning his sorrows with a large glass of some amber drink. Ben cleared his throat and shook his hand at them. “No, no, by all means, go on.”

“Were you here this whole _ time?” _ Klaus asked.

“Well...yeah, this is my room. And _ this _ is actually quite entertaining.” His voice cracked a little on his last word and he swallowed another sob.

“Ben…” Klaus sighed. He took off his shoes, jumped onto the bed, and wrapped his brother into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“That I don’t know how to bring you back, too. I really really would if I could, but if we don’t know what your unfinished business was…”

Ben hugged him back. “Thanks.” With the siblings hugging cheek-to-cheek, Klaus thought he felt the zombie blush. Or maybe it was the heat from the alcohol? Could zombies even get hot?

After a long minute, Ben pulled away. “If it’s okay with you, I kind of just want to go to sleep now.”

“Really?” Klaus asked. “Are you sure you don’t want me to…”

Ben shook his head. “No, no, really, I just really want to be alone right now.”

Neither Dave nor Klaus felt tired just then, so they headed back towards The Handler’s tavern. After all, they still had a few more nights left before the day of the wedding. When Leonard would get suspicious. When Klaus’s father would get suspicious. When Dave would --

“What happens to you if I don’t end up marrying you after all of this?” Klaus asked as they stood off to the side of the piano. “Are you just stuck here forever? Do you die a final death?”

“I would only die a final death if someone shot or stabbed me or something in the world above,” Dave answered. “I have no idea what’ll happen to me if you go back for good at the end of this.”

“What if it’s something bad?” Klaus played with the edge of his yellow shirt sleeve.

“Hargreeves...Don’t marry me just because you feel sorry for me. If you want to go back up, that’s fine, it really is.”

“But I --” He didn’t get to finish, as the soldier was already making his way to the dance floor.

Of course the live band was all made up of skeletons. Skeletons who were actually pretty good. Their music set was lively and easy to dance to. Even by yourself. Out of politeness/awkwardness, they had moved their way to opposing sides of the dance floor to groove on their own. That still didn’t stop them from bumping into each other. This made them laugh and then turn around. Just by one step though.

After a while of literally dancing around each other, Dave turned back to Klaus. “Let me walk you back to Ben’s room.” And so they did. Just as Klaus started to reach for the doorknob, Dave cleared his throat. “Will you be going back home tomorrow?”

Klaus looked at the spot directly above the soldier's blond head. “No.”

The night after that, Ben was off talking with some other ghost friends. (“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me, _Klaus._ I have a life outside of you.”) So, they went back to the tavern again. Too tired to dance after a day full of research into afterlife ghost law (don’t ask), they decided to get something to drink -- nonalcoholic for both of them, who were trying to cut down. As a joke, they put water into shot-glasses and swallowed them down after linking arms.

However, they soon discovered that it’s very hard to link arms without actually having to get close to the other person. And interact. And --

“Will you be going back home tomorrow?”

Klaus actually tried to look Dave square in the face this time as he leaned against the hotel room door. “...You have really nice eyes.”

Dave sputtered and blinked. “Don’t change the subject.”

The third night of this was filled with more talking -- about ghost law, summoning, what made a person have a final death. This got very grim very easily, so somehow the conversation switched to piano playing. A topic that was light enough to float above and ignore everything. Everything. Except for the way that Klaus nearly broke down from frustration so Dave tried to touch his face to calm him down and even though it was as cold as bone Klaus leaned into it and Dave didn’t pull away and now they were kissing.

Dave moved away first, but slower. “I bet you didn’t want to do that when you first saw me pop out of the ground,” he said wryly.

Klaus blinked. “Did you not want this?”

“Of -- _of course_ I wanted this. But not like this! Not with a deadline! Not where I’m _ forcing _you to choose between some random dead body you just met and some random asshole --”

“You’re not forcing me to do anyth --”

Dave clenched his fists. “Well, to me it feels like it. Don’t do this just to make me feel better. Or because you feel like you have to settle for me.”

“Daaave. I am not settling for anything. Compared to all of the breathing people I’ve been with over the years, you’re actually an improvement.”

“Thin skin and popping veins is an improvement??”

Klaus threw his hands up in the air. “That doesn’t matter to me! What matters is that I like being around you. And I really care about you. And -- and given time, I think I might even --”

Dave unclenched his fists, and examined an exposed knuckle bone on his left hand. “Klaus. I love you. But you’re not mine.”

Klaus shifted his eyes to the bone. “Why are you acting so --”

“Klaus.” Dave looked up and gave him the sternest look he’d ever seen from him. “Go back to your siblings. They need you. You actually need them.” His voice cracked and he shook his head. “This whole thing was a mistake.”

Klaus dug his hands into his hair. “But I -- but --” He yanked them out. “What about the rebirth law?”

“What?”

“The rebirth law of the afterlife. I can bring you back to life if I --”

Dave sighed. “Forget about the rebirth law. Please? It only works if you actually love me and aren’t just feeling bad for me.”

Klaus put down his glass. “Fine. I’ll leave. But only because you want me to. That’s what you do when you love someone,” he muttered as he marched outside to the afterlife’s travel headquarters, headed by a very lovely zombie named Dot. She was polite, well-dressed, and was attentive to detail. Hardly anything escaped her attention.

Except for the welcoming party Klaus was about to receive. 

Klaus popped out of the ground back in the middle of the town cemetery. Under his shoe, a green glass bottle crunched into smaller bits. The same weird liquid he’d used to summon Dave was still pooling around the same old puddle.

Why did Dave have to be so stubborn, anyway? So clueless and hard on himself? Then again, Klaus wasn’t any better. He was stupid enough to actually leave him. Or was that smart and kind of him? Or --

He didn’t get a chance to finish his thought. At that exact second, something metal and very heavy knocked into his head.

Leonard threw down his shovel, then groaned as he dragged his unconscious fiancee back towards the house. “You should have some interesting excuses for me.”

Back in her perch down in the underworld, Dot gasped. One of her eyes on the world above had just seen Klaus get into terrible danger! She had to warn his fiancee -- well, his other fiancee. His much better fiancee, if you asked her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the hell is the "rebirth law," you ask? all will be revealed next chapter in the thrilling conclusion. whenever that drops


	5. In Which Klaus Hargreeves Marries The Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ****content warning in this chapter for gun/knife violence, blood, repressed traumatic memories

The following evening, the local chapel was filled with Klaus’s family and hardly anyone else. Leonard was an orphan, after all. And even though Reginald’s children were all very well liked, hardly anyone rich or poor wanted to be in the same room as _ that man. _ (Least of all his children. Alas, Grace couldn’t come because she was battling a hard cold.)

All of the children were dressed splendidly for the occasion, as fit their high station. Vanya wore a crisp white suit with a stiff ascot and draping overcoat. From her seat, she was fiddling with both her brass cane and white top hat. Her hair was pulled into a sharp ponytail with white ribbon.

Allison poked her from the seat next to her, lovely in her layered, ruffled green gown. “Um, isn’t it only those getting _ married _ who are supposed to wear white to a wedding?”

Vanya shrugged. “Both Leonard’s suit and Klaus’s dress are black.”

“Oh yeah.”

Next to Allison, Claire fiddled with her vast-skirted dress, in a darker shade of green. “Who’s that over there?” she pointed across the aisle.

“That’s the organist, Claire,” Allison answered. The dark-haired woman in a deep blue suit was walking towards the large pipe organ located off to the side of the altar. She swept back her unbound hair with one hand, and adjusted her sheet music with the other. Then, oddly, she turned back over to wave at Allison. “Oh!” Allison realized, waving back to her. “That’s Helen Cho, the woman we were talking to when we got here in town.”

“And the lady Aunt Vanya is in love with from her orchestra,” Claire grinned.

“What?” Vanya asked, whipping around and going red in the face. “You weren’t supposed to --”

“Claire!....Why didn’t you tell me any of this?”

Her daughter just shrugged.

In the row in front of them, Patch played with her long braid. “So there’s nothing we can do to stop this guy from coming into our family?”

From the aisle seat, Dolores shrugged. “Not that I can think of.”

Luther turned around. “But there has to be some way. Klaus doesn’t like him. I’m pretty sure our father doesn’t even like him that much. He’s odd, only shows interest in our money, and he --”

“Is coming up the aisle right now,” Diego poked, “so be quiet.”

Everyone in attendance snapped to attention as Helen played some introductory chords on the organ. Underscored by her music, Leonard strided towards his place at the altar with a very...blank expression on his face. Very odd for someone who must be so excited to gain all of that money, the siblings thought.

As soon as he halted at the head of the church, Helen slided into a key change. Pogo opened the doors of the church, and the moonlight backlit an equally blank-looking Klaus in a large-skirted black lace gown. (Reginald was sitting up front, as he refused to walk his child down the aisle.) Klaus moved forward as if he were walking through mud. Or a snowstorm. Or any natural disaster that would be much more bearable than this. _ At least if Dave were here, _ he found himself thinking, _ he’d show at least _ some _ emotions down there. _

But Dave had made his choice, and so did Klaus. And so he was staying here in the land of the living, even though he hated what he was about to do to himself. But honestly, Klaus was starting to think he deserved this. He deserved this for not fighting more for real love.

He squashed the bouquet of white roses down on the pulpit. “Let’s get this over with,” he muttered.

Priestess Agnes Rofa cleared her throat from behind the pulpit. Leonard wiped the sweat off his hands and Klaus tried not to look terrified out of his mind. This was really happening. This was --

“Dearly Beloved,” the woman started softly, “we are gathered here tonight to witness the union of --”

_ “I object!” _

Everyone’s heads whipped around as someone kicked open the church doors, letting a cool gust of wind blow into the room. A few people screamed as they took in the gaunt figure walking through the door, flanked by undead soldiers and musicians. (And Dot and The Handler. The latter woman was flanked by a stocky blond man and a shorter woman, both in sharp suits.)

“What the --” Reginald sputtered out. “What in God’s name are you doing, trying to...haunt my child’s wedding? Who do you think you are?”

Dave looked him dead in the eye and raised one hand, still wearing the ring. “I’m his husband.”

“What?” Leonard started to turn around toward the source of the noise. “You’re not him, I’m the one who’s….” He trailed off as his eyes went wide. “This isn’t real.”

“Ohhh my God.” Dave’s legs started shaking and he had to grab onto an empty chair in the back to stop himself from falling completely. “They set you up with Harold Jenkins.”

Klaus blinked. “W-what? His name is Leonard Peabody.”

“Peabody,” Reginald started, rising from his seat, “do you have anything to do with all this?”

“Shut _ UP!” _ he shrieked as _ he pulled a pistol from one pocket. _“Hargreeves, I swear to Christ, if you walk out of here and say anything about --”

Reginald steeled his gaze. “Anything about _ what.” _

BANG. The old man fell down dead in one shot. Everyone in the audience except for Dave, the zombies, the Hargreeves children (and Rofa and Cho, who were as stunned as they were) fled out of the scene of the crime.

“Oh, come on,” Harold called out to the crowds as they left. “I wasn’t going to shoot you all, too! I’m a good aim by this point.”

“I know you are.” Dave stood back up on still-shaky legs. “You were the one that killed me….I just didn’t_ remember _ because I’d _ blocked it out --” _

“I am so sorry,” Klaus started, pushing past the murderer. (Like him, hardly anyone was focused on Reginald’s dead body at this point. Not even the undead -- not even they wanted him as a new arrival. They figured that this embarrassing death was eternal punishment enough.) “Dave, if I had known that this _ monster _ had…”

“Klaus, it’s alright,” Dave started as he took another step forward, “there’s no way that you could have --”

“ENOUGH!!” Harold fired a warning shot into the air and everyone screamed. “Do not take one step out of this church, or I swear to Christ I will --” Diego’s thrown hunting knife barely grazed his shoulder. Leonard hissed. “Why would you --”

From his spot next to him, Klaus punched him in the face. “We outnumber him by a longshot, let’s do this!” he bellowed. Soon, everyone was taking turns swinging (and stabbing, in Diego’s case) at the murderer -- both dead and alive. 

When he tried to swing a kick at Allison, even Claire joined in. _ “Stay away from my mama!” _she yelled, before kicking him behind the knees and sending him to the floor. The pistol skittered to the floor in front of him, and he inched forward while trying to avoid Dolores trying to run over his fingers with her wheelchair. Somehow, he managed to grip the gun and shoot upward and around at random. Bullets started ricocheting everywhere, and everyone started to try and dodge them in creative ways. Until finally, it seemed like all of them had stuck into the walls or floor.

Slowly, Klaus bent back up. The nearest bullet to him had barely grazed his shoulder. And he was standing right near Dave, so….“Christ on a cracker, that was a close one. Huh Dave?”

Dave collapsed to the ground. Blood pooled out of the new wound in his chest_ (in the same place as the first one) _onto the wooden floor. Shrieking, hands shaking, Klaus tried to flip him onto his back.

Harold let out a wild laugh, as if someone had punched it out of him. “Even easier the second time!” he shouted. “Now all there’s left to do is --”

Sneaking up behind him, Vanya plunged her brother’s knife through the gunman’s heart. “Been wanting to do that for a while…..” She froze as she took in the mob of zombies. “Wait. Does this mean you’re stuck with him now?”

Dot thrust a hand towards the ground and a sinkhole appeared under Harold. “Don’t worry about us, dear,” she said with a now wicked grin. “We’re quite happy to welcome our new arrival.”

As he slowly fell, now-undead Harold screamed and clawed upward from the sinkhole with blue and veiny hands. “No! _No!_ _Let me out! LET ME --”_

The sinkhole shrank back up into the floor and he screamed all the way down through the dirt. It would be a very long fall.

“Klaus….”

Dave was still bleeding out onto the floor. Still. Still. For an already dead man, there was so much blood --

“I should have come back for you. Right away,” Klaus choked out. “I should have never left, this would’ve never happened --”

“I…” Dave lost his thought, then shuddered around until it came back. “...always loved you...too scared…t-to say it...it happened so fast...not...not like last t-time --”

“Me too,” Klaus cried out. He hugged the soldier right over the wound. The blood was starting to paint one side of his face. “Me too, me too, me too, me --”

Dave’s hands weren’t trying in vain to push off the floor any more. “Is there a MEDIC?” Klaus screamed. “MEDIC!” He covered Dave’s ears so he wouldn’t hurt them. He _ was _ going to wake up _ any second _ and cringe from the sound…

Dave’s breathing slowed to a stop. Everyone grew even quieter.

Klaus’s hands hugged the corpse even tighter. “I would’ve married you. I really really would have. And the rebirth law --” He swallowed down another wave of tears. “With this hand, I will lift your sorrows...Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine. With this candle..I will light your way in darkness. And with this ring….” He stared glassily at the ring on his finger for a second. “I ask you to be mine.” He closed his eyes and let out a choppy breath. “I love you.” He clasped Dave’s ringed hand to his own. “I love you so much.” He dropped the hand.

When it crashed into the floor, Dave’s arm shattered into a swarm of blue butterflies. Klaus covered his face as the butterflies flitted towards his head, landing gently in his hair and on his nose for a few seconds before flitting off. Soon Dave’s entire body was being lifted into the air by a swarm of the creatures. Soon enough they were wrapping him in a living cocoon. And as the last of them flitted out the window, Klaus looked up from his spot on the ground…..

“Oh my God. I did it. It worked. _ Dave!” _

He was still there, only_ alive. _ “Klaus…” Dave started out. He froze. He took in the fact that his throat wasn’t creaking with underuse anymore. His previously exposed knuckle was now smoothed over with skin and flesh. And that flesh wasn’t blue and veiny anymore. And he wasn’t covered with burial dirt anymore. His heart was working again. And it was pounding -- “You did it.” He scooped up Klaus into a crushing hug. _ “You did it! _The rebirth law! You waited until I was about to die again to give me the chance to do my unfinished business.”

“...Wait, wasn’t your unfinished business to find out who killed you? Or to remarry whoever…”

“I thought that was it,” he admitted, pulling back a little bit. “But then I realized...it was finding real love.” He cupped Klaus’s face in his hands -- which were now a lot warmer, with all the blood rushing through them. Klaus put one hand on his equally warmer face and they kissed. Back in the aisles, Agnes reached for a handkerchief.

Creeeeeak. Everyone slowly turned back as Ben gently creaked open the door. He cleared his throat. “I feel awful,” he started shakily. “Klaus, I’m so sorry, I would’ve come in earlier to help but I was too scared everyone would see me and --” All of his siblings stared even harder at him, eyes wide, tears welling. 

Claire was the first to approach him. “...Are you my Uncle Ben?”

Allison gasped. Ben put a hand to his mouth. “Allie...she looks just like you,” he said with a cracking voice. Soon all the Hargreeveses were rushing up to him, hugging him tight in a gripping, sobbing clump. But something was happening in the dead center of the circle. It felt like Ben was shrinking….or trembling...or being consumed by a bright blue butterfly swarm --

There was a sudden burst of heat and everyone jumped back as Ben was resurrected as well. “This was my unfinished business!” he shouted out. “Having a life with my siblings.”

“And without Dad,” Diego added.

Ben stopped. “Dad died?”

Diego nodded. “Harold -- Leonard killed him.”

“Oh ...I'm not upset, I’m just…”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Helen finally got up from her hiding place behind the organ. “Alright, what the _ fuck _ is going on here?”

“....I can explain it to you,” Vanya put forth.

“Me too?” Agnes asked, raising her hand. She nodded and the three women stepped outside to debrief about the whole resurrection thing. (And maybe something else too. Helen had somehow ended up holding Vanya’s hand “for extra comfort.” And The Handler’s male friend was now rushing down to do the same thing with Agnes.)

The siblings all began talking with Ben, trying to catch up about everything from the past few years. Dave and Klaus inched back after a little bit, since they already knew most of this information.

“So….” Dave looked around at the damaged yet peaceful church. “What do we do now?” He blinked. “I would say we could get married right here, but we already are married...also I’d rather not be married in a _ church.” _

“That’s fair.” Klaus grabbed his hand, then looked back at the other zombies who’d stayed behind. “Why did all of them come?”

“For backup.”

The Handler waved to them. “And for witnesses to _ your _wedding!”

Dave put his hands in his head. “What? Oh my God.”

“Oh, don’t be so dense, David. We even got some spiders to weave you a chuppah canopy out of some spiderwebs!”

“And we have some kippahs made out of moss from old graves!” Dot piped up.

The married couple both made faces at each other, then shrugged. “It’s the thought that counts,” Klaus said. 

“Maybe we can use them to renew our vows.”

“Renew our -- David, we just got married!”

“I know, I know, but...we do have our whole lives ahead of us.” He pulled the seance in for another kiss. During this, both of their wedding rings slipped off, as they no longer had to urge their owners to do anything. However, neither person cared. After all, they could always pick them back up again. They had all the time in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 comment = 1 F in the chat for dave
> 
> also if you really liked this fic (or really hated it, hey, it's your life) feel free to yell about it or anything else with me on tumblr, @dumpsterbagel !


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